fluffy-is-gay-for-jay:

crlsscolfer:

today i saw this cute cop and my first thought was “damn i would tap that ass so bad” and then he laughed and came closer to me and i thought i did something bad and i couldn’t think what was it and when he started talking i took off my headphones and he said “that was quite a compliment young lady” and in that moment i realizED I SAY THAT OUT LOUD AND FUCK MY LIFE AND WHY MUST I HAVE A MOUTH WITH NO FILTER

O h

nugqets:

me and my friends on halloween

image

darkbluetile:

I want to pretend they were on this boat together. I love it. both chilly after a fun day on the water

itsraininbritishmen:

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
FULL naked.
REAL naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

itsraininbritishmen:

fuckyeahthespianpeacock:

saltheria:

yeffyaboyuice:

mythchief:

So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!

I get naked.

FULL naked.

REAL naked.

I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.

No cookies. Blatant nudity.

That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…

And there it was.

This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.

Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.

“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”

Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”

As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.

This was, nearly, one of those.

If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:

“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”

And inquiries such as:

“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”

Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?

That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.

An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.

OMG ITS BACK

This shit needs to be published.

This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.

My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.

janefoster:

basically my life can be summed up in alternating periods of Linda Belcher’s “Alriiiiight!” and Bob Belcher’s “Oh my god”

phoeni-xx:

jaedewilliams:

theonetruenidoking:

william-elms:

policymic:

Disturbing photos show a cop choking a college student

Police had been responding to a “disturbance” near the University of Tennessee when a house party estimated to be composed of 800+ individuals spilled out onto the street. Deputy Brandon Gilliam wrote in the report that when detaining Dotson, he “began to physically resist officers’ instructions to place his hands behind his back, and at one point grabbed on to an officer’s leg.” At some point, Deputy Phillips felt the need to begin choking Dotson to the point where he passed out — lethal force by any definition.

Read more | Follow policymic

The deputy who assaulted the student was fired and the deputies who stood by were suspended. As it should be.

This dude made a rookie mistake. You never assault the rich white kids, they’re the only ones the system cares about after all.

^^^^^^^

LETS FUCKING CLARIFY:

A COP CHOKES A WHITE BOY AFTER A ROWDY PARTY UNTIL HE PASSED OUT AND GETS FIRED ASAP.

A COP PUTS AN ASTHMATIC BLACK MAN IN A CHOKE HOLD UNTIL HE DIED AND WE’RE STILL WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO FUCKING HAPPEN. 

THIS IS WHY I CANNOT TRUST “THE SYSTEM”. ITS EITHER SUPER FUCKED UP OR ITS WORKING JUST THE WAY THEY INTENDED IT TO. and we all know which one is right.

syntaxbitch:

Yes, yes. Very nice. But I’m just gonna add my favorite wardrobe change.

jamisbest:

holmestiel-love:

lilflappyhands:

mrs-cucumberbachelor:

oceansilhouette:

Cute little marshmallows 

this makes me so happy


Wait. Is that big marshmallow licking that little marshmallow?

Is it a… cannibal?

I think it’s the marshmallow’s mom and it’s trying to comfort the little marshmallow

Maybe it’s a habit specific to the marshmallow species

oh ok

vvhaleshark:

marina and the diamonds is applauded for singing about being a heartbreaker but when I’m a heartbreaker I’m called “a terrible surgeon” and “a murderer, probably”